Dating for Dummies
by Dear-chemistry
Summary: AU. Jess is in her thirties and never had a serious boyfriend. CeCe takes to the world of online dating to help her friend and roommate. What happens when Schmidt makes Nick a profile and their worlds collide? Rated T for now.


**Okay, so this is the fic I've been hinting to on Tumblr. It's completely AU, Jess doesn't live in the loft and doesn't even know Nick. Yet. I'm pretty excited about it, so I hope you enjoy :).**

It was late evening when Jessica Day finally decided to come home. Being a teacher, she liked to busy herself with her job, her students, and getting involved in any extra curricular activities. Anything to distract herself from the fact that she was thirty-one, she lived in an apartment with her best friend, and she hadn't had a serious boyfriend in, well, maybe ever. So, what, she was a virgin but she was perfectly happy. She didn't need sex to define who she was and who cares, because CeCe, said best friend, had enough of that for the both of them, which was super awkward for her by the way. Coming home after a long day at work to the sounds of screams and a headboard thumping the wall was not Jess' idea of fun when all she wanted to do was come home, sit on the couch and watch Dirty Dancing (her favorite) in her pajamas and drink a cup of tea. Tonight however, she was met with quite a different scenario. She was carrying in bags of projects she was to grade for the kids and was accosted by her friend who was jumping around like an excited Chihuahua.

"Don't be mad, Jess but I've got something to show you." CeCe followed Jess around the apartment as she set the bags she was carrying in from school now. 'Don't be mad' was never a good sign and Jess was not in the mood.

"CeCe, I have a lot of work to do, not now." Jess walked past her friend and to the kitchen where she went to a cupboard and grabbed her box of tea and her favorite mug.

"All work and no play makes Jessie a dull girl." CeCe folder her  
arms and Jess turned to drop her jaw at her. She was /not/ dull. She just was a very focused career woman who took pride in her work.

"I am /not/ dull CeCe!" Jess countered and dropped her tea bag into the mug that was now filled with steaming water. "I'm not."

"Prove it." CeCe's eyebrow quirked up in a challenge before she disappeared into the living room and Jess was left in the kitchen wonder what the hell she had come home to. CeCe returned seconds later holding her laptop and placed it down on the bar.

"Okay, so I was bored earlier and I made you a-"

"A DATING PROFILE?!" Jess screeched as she saw the screen, completely cutting her friend off, "NO! CECE! No! Are you trying to get me killed? You don't know who gets on those things." Jess slammed  
the screen, grabbed her mug and headed to the living room. Dating websites, pft.

CeCe huffed and grabbed the laptop, following her best friend, determined to at least get her to think about it. She opened the lid again, sitting the computer on the coffee table in front of Jess.

"I'm not trying to get you killed, Jess, I'm trying to get you /laid/. Come on! You're in your thirties now! You need some romance in your life."

Jess stared at her with those  
big blue eyes and deep down she knew she was right. She was lonely and if she was completely honest, which she would never admit, she was /horny/. She looked at the screen and stared at the big logo that taunted her.

"Here, look, I already did all the hard parts for you. I made you a profile,"  
CeCe grabbed the computer and used her fingers to move over the mouse pad and clicked on the link that said MY PROFILE and Jess swallowed thickly and oh god this was really happening and her eyes widened as as she saw a picture of herself on the left hand side of the screen. She had to hand it to CeCe because it was a good picture of her, one of the rare few in existence in her opinion, and "/Rockalotofpolkadots/?" Jess read before looking back up to her friend.

"I couldn't think of another screen name." She shrugged, "Plus it's true. You do."

Jess read over the rest of the page. Her stats were listed  
and correct: five foot four, slim build, non religious, non smoker, Aquarius. /Seems innocent enough,/ she shrugged and skimmed down the page and read:

_"Early thirties brunette with a fun sense of style and just the right amount of quirkiness and class. Some may consider me a workaholic but I take pride in what I enjoy. Hobbies include singing, dancing, watching dirty dancing and hanging with my best friend, who's a model,"_ Jess side eyed CeCe who just shrugged innocently as Jess continued,_ "Looking for a cool, sweet, honest guy who can appreciate and value the same things in life as I do."_

Jess slumped back against the couch, taking it all in. "Wow, You really were bored."

CeCe pursed her lips and nodded. "Uh huh. But look," she grabbed the lap top and clicked on the MAIL link, "you already have guys messaging you."

Jess frowned, looking at all the icons of the guys next to their subject lines. "Ew, look at him. He could be my grandfather." Jess pointed and read his screen name, "MrRightOnUrface? Ew, c'mon dude." Jess shook her head, "I don't know if I can do this, CeCe."

Jess clicked on another message, not even bothering to read the name and read "Id like to Rock your polka dot!" Jess stuck her tongue out and gagged, "Are guys seriously retarded? Look he even used a creepy little winky face, CeCe!"

CeCe pouted when Jess stood from the couch and went to grab her bags, "Hey! Just think about it. Promise me to at least /think/ about it.

"I might think about it, I /might/." Jess smiled softly befor  
e disappearing into her room and CeCe closed the laptop lid, not logging off the site because she knew Jess would be back.

~NJ~

Nick Miller say on the couch in his loft he shared with three roommates, eating Chinese dumplings out of the take out box with his hands, a thick beard covering his face, while he watched and laughed at some brainless show on tv. This has been his life for the past six months, since his girlfriend Caroline dumped him. He laid around, wallowing in self pity and filth, sometimes crying and sometimes drinking himself into an oblivion in which he would then drunk dial her and embarrass himself to a degree no man should ever face. But as the months went by, this started happening less and less, Nick started burying himself in his shifts at the bar he worked at, picking up more and more, and Chinese food. Lots of it. Who needed a girlfriend when you had delicious dumplings be your side? Not Nick Miller.

Nick had just put said dumpling into his mouth when his roommate, Schmidt, who he'd been best friends with since college, busted out of his room and into the living room, announcing "Nicholas, this is it, drop the dumplings."

Nick paused chewing, drop the dumplings? Why would he want to drop the dumplings? "Why?" He asked, mouth full.

"'Why?' you ask Nicholas, well I'll tell you why. Because this," he gestured to the laptop he was holding that Nick hadn't even noticed until now, "is your future."

Nick laughed. 'His future'? He didn't have a future, this was his life. He had accepted it. "My future? How so, Schmidt?" He popped another dumpling into his mouth.

Schmidt sat the laptop down on the coffee table and Nick grunted, "You're blocking the tv, man!" But Schmidt didn't budge, he just ignored him and continued to explain, "Now Nicholas, we've all sat and watched you wallow the past six months and as your friend, and your roommate who for one is sick of seeing you wear the same outfit everyday, I took it upon myself to help you out." He smiled his stupid Schmidt-up-to-no-good smile and his eyes flickered to the laptop where the screen was up, facing Nick who just seemed oblivious, as usual.

"What? It's a laptop, what do you want me to do with it?"

Schmidt rolled his eyes. "I /made/ you a dating profile Nicholas. It's time for you to get back out there. Find your penis underneath all of," he waved his hands in the direction of Nick's stomach, "/that/, and /use/ it."

Nick stared at Schmidt like he had grown an extra head and then laughed. And he laughed. And he laughed until he was holding his sides and tears were forming in his eyes.

"Really? You want me to use a dating website? You know the only women who use those things have more baggage than the Chicago airport." Schmidt just stared at him, unamused. "Am I right, Schmitty?" Nick gulped. He was serious.

"It's more women then I've seen lined up around here for the likes of you. And who can blame them? No offense."

Nick shrugged, "None taken."

Schmidt sat down beside Nick and grabbed the laptop and sat it in his lap, "Look, I've done all the hard work for you, I even made you a profile."

Nick leaned closer so he could see the screen, there was a better looking picture of him that he didn't remember taking, his stats, 5'10, body type: average, brown hair, brown eyes, non religious, non smoker, drinks daily. Nick shot Schmidt a glare "Drinks daily?!" And Schmidt just shrugged, "She should know up front what she's in for."

Schmidt pointed to the screen, "You are now, /Jpepperwood/. Clever huh? Hides your identity and gives you something to talk about later." Schmidt did a little dance on the couch, proud of himself.

"Never wiggle your butt that close to me again," Nick frowned, his trademark turtle face.

"Keep reading! You haven't even gotten to the good parts."

Nick rolled his eyes and scrolled down the page, reading_ "Hello ladies, if you're looking for someone who is tall, dark, and semi handsome, who loves piña colladas and getting caught in the rain with the right person, I don't love yoga but I do have half a brain and yes, this is a song reference and yes, I am trying to impress you. Is it working? I'm a carefree guy who values sleep and good take out food. I've been told I can be too serious at times but perhaps I just haven't met the right gal to bring me out of my shell. Could it be you? "_

Nick blinked at the screen. "Schmidt this doesn't sound anything like me."

"That's the point! I want you to actually get messages! No go on tiger, play around. I'll leave you to it."

Schmidt got up and grabbed his dumplings, "and I'm taking these." He walked back towards his room, turning at the door to make sure a Nick was still reading (he was) and smiled before yelling "and shave your damn face!"

Nick heard the door slam and he slumped back against the couch and began scrolling the profiles of women in the area. Nick scrolled after picture after picture, too old, too hairy, too big, too thin, too many kids. He sighed, about to close the laptop when he read /RockALotofPolkaDots/ and stopped. She was actually cute. No, more like gorgeous. Long brown hair, bangs, the biggest blue eyes he'd ever seen. What the hell was she doing on a dating website? He realized he was holding his breath when he clicked on her profile and scanned it. She was perfect. A workaholic? Opposite of him but opposites supposedly attract. He had to message her. His hands shook and his palms were sweaty I he clicked the message link and the cursor blinked at him, waiting for him to type.

_Dear Ms. Rockalotofpolkadots,_

_Let me clear when I say that this is not something I sit around doing on the daily. Messaging women on dating sites. You're actually the first person to strike me enough to grow a pair and click the message tab, if we're being completely honest. I can't for the life of me understand why a beaut like yourself is on a dating website. Is that too forward of me to say? I don't know, maybe I'm rambling. Id like to get to know you better, if I'm lucky. I promise I'm not a creep._

_Hope to hear from you soon,_

_JPepperwood_

Nick pressed send and closed the laptop lid. What had Schmidt gotten him into?

**Okay, so you guys like? Yes, no? Also, just to put this out there: I actually met MY girlfriend on a dating website and we've been together two years. How do you guys feel about this? Virgin!Jess? This fic will not get smutty until chapters in. Hope you guys liked it and FYI I am working on updating What to Expect. Still excited about that fic. Review, review, review!**


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